Saturday, April 07, 2007

香烟

凉风从窗口吹进来,两片大大块的玻璃片向外伸展。近来,少了很多时间坐在书桌前,甚至晚间都没能像之前那样,吹着夜晚的风,然后每当我把头转向窗外的景色,都会看见依旧站在那里的橙色路灯。今晚,我沉默了。现在的生活像红绿灯那样,红转绿,绿转红,都不需太多的时间和思考,它总会继续下去。过路的车辆停了就行驶,行驶了就停,停停驶驶,也都不知过了多少个红绿灯。

今晚,我什么都没做,应该说什么都不想做。反正在每个限期前,我肯定会把工作完成,结果生活就像剩下休息和继续却没有停止。昨天,有人提起我们的故事,那个我曾经很想很想到回去的时光。但是,当我渐渐地长大后,才发现原来没有过去可以重现。我吸着手中的香烟,拉长了吸气的时间,尝试把所有烟都逼进了胸膛下的肺里面,憋着气,试着会不会被烟呛死。

最终,我还是憋不了多久,被吞进去的烟,迫不急待地随着我突然的呼气从鼻孔,嘴巴呼了出来,随即听见几声咳嗽声,过后我却自个儿傻笑了起来。呵呵,最记得当时你就是这个模样向我表白。
“我爱你至窒息。”你说。

“如何?”我问。

“就这样,别闭上眼,看。”你说完,就憋住吸进去的烟,然后还可以扮鬼脸给我看,等到憋不下去后,就咳个不停。过后你就喜欢把我抱起,像个疯狂的人那样到处告诉别人说爱我爱到差点断气。过后的日子,偶尔我也劝你说别那么常吸烟,但是你总喜欢回我一句,“那么我就不能告诉全世界我爱你爱到差点断气了。”。结果,我竟然也在你背后开始抽起烟来。我还记得那个时候,周围的朋友都说我肯定是傻了,劝不了你把烟戒掉,反而我学着你和你一起抽。我说我也一样爱你至看不见自己。

我眯着眼,继续了往常那习惯性的动作,抽着一口接一口烟草烧尽变成的烟,瞧着慢慢散开的烟雾,感觉脑海里的画面就像昨天才发生那样。二十五岁前的记忆全都只化成了忘不了的烟草味,这个味道却锁住了那些记忆。有些虽然背景模糊,不知什么时候,什么情况下发生;有些却是根本无法看见画面里的任何事物,只有人们的对话清晰的不得了,好像就在我耳边响起,然后感觉我其实已回到那个时空,和大家再经历一次。

突然一阵风迎面吹来,刚吐出来的烟,消失得无影无踪。就像现在,无论我再怎么努力把二十五岁前的记忆拼回,也无法寻回它原来的样貌。回忆模糊的轮廓我记得,第一次看见你做这个动作的时候,我们还在念着高中。我们还答应一起报读同样的大学,过后还真的实现。在那五年里面,虽然大架小架都吵过,离离合合的次数数也数不清,其间停留在我们之间的过客,不知是否他们也无法在我们对这份感情,对初恋的最后执著的防线站稳脚步,所以终究只是我们这段感情里的过客。

可能吧,我们的爱情来到最后只剩下执著还是习惯,我们都成了对方手中的香烟,就像忘了当初如何开始拿起香烟,忘了什么原因促使我们都点燃了火把,向没有尽头的洞口探去。结果这场恋爱把曾经最真挚的感情都变成了一种痛苦,耗尽时间精神都要徘徊在这个交叉路口,希望用力地深呼吸,等待,等待这场执著的游戏能够没有原因地继续下去。结果,别人替我们做了抉择,做了决定。你从这个游戏抽身,人走了,只剩下我。在你离开的那一天,我记得那时下着雨,我一个人在房间翻开我们八年的爱情长跑的相片簿,有人说开心的记忆会是一辈子的,我想应该是吧,因为我一边看一边傻笑。我还想立刻告诉你说,我终于知道为什么我们还会在一起。直到接了你爸爸的那一通电话后,我知道我再也没有机会告诉你为什么了。

外面终于下起雨来,就像你离开的那一天。下着毛毛雨的窗外,看起来非常平静,月光没被乌云遮盖,我依然看见远远的景色,其实也不用在乎我看见与否,反正目光的焦点并不重要,我连续吸了几枝烟,烟味参杂了雨和土壤的味道,我沉醉于思念的情绪。警方说,经过调查你的死因不明。在失去你的那段日子,我常常独自坐在窗口旁,望着窗外的天空,把你的烟灰缸放在我的附近,一边无意识地重复吸烟的动作,往往一坐就坐到了天亮。

你去世后的那两个月,我不知道要如何从这个哀伤中找出缺口,如何让哀伤的情绪自己慢慢或是一瞬间解放出来。尝试了很久很久,但始终不能。感觉上我的人生我的生命好像就这样停止在我翻看我们的相片簿的那一天,你的离去把我的灵魂也一并带走。突然之间有一种我说不明白的失去感,一种在我来不及体会拥有的时候,所有都离我而去。就在躲在回忆与懊悔的两个月后,我终于决定出任总编辑在你去世前一个星期派给我的工作,那是我很向往的工作,就是随着本地的考察团,到国内几个地方的村落进行探访。那时候我想可能只有这样,才能够让自己再活一次,开始二十五岁后的生活。

一旦开始了这个旅程,就无法停歇下来。我竟然在完成报馆的这份差事后,提了辞呈。我辞去了报馆的工作,跟随了一些拥有流动性服务群众的慈善机构的队伍,一站接一站地跑了很多地方,也见了很多不同的人,看尽了各种病态,欢乐,悲伤,无奈。行程中我拍了很多照片,写了很多稿,我成了最自由的社会生态写作者。二十五岁后的我,生活停停走走都不在我控制范围内,我爱上了这样的生活,感觉好像只有这样我才能摆脱命运的安排,用我的文字刻写,用我第三者的身份去窥探别人的生活,写别人的故事,就像我是被命运排除在外的失败者,对任何的失去与拥有都不再惊叹,只有拚命地继续写下去才是我的使命。

逐渐听到小鸟的叫声,阳光微微地照射进我的房间,我又坐在书桌前吸烟,麻木地看着窗外等到了天亮。烟灰缸里的烟灰照旧堆得很满很满,已数不清多少枝的烟草被烧尽成了灰。今天其实不像二十五岁前的那两个月的岁月,因为今天不只是有回忆二十五岁前的成分,而是昨天有人提起我们的故事后的对话让我用了整个晚上思考。

“如果再有一次机会,你会怎样。。?”别人问。
“如果再有一次机会,我也难以想象现在会是怎样, 可能还是一样,也许,很多事根本不用重来,也不用重复。”我说。

我把手中握住的最后一枝烟,搁在烟灰缸上,深呼吸后,我决定拿起电话,按了几个号码,拨通了。“喂,我明天会回家。再也不走了。”在电话的另一端,我听见一片寂静,然后哽咽的回复声。说完后,我把电话盖上,渐渐地把自己则躺在地板上,然后把自己缩起成一团,我一边抽泣,嘶喊,一边咳嗽,嘴边的眼泪都参了咳出来的血丝,分不清是血还是泪或是鼻涕。

房里刮起一阵旋风,像层楼的烟灰随着旋风飘起,我似最后一枝将燃烧完的香烟,抵不过将要结束的生命,感觉自己被慢慢地,慢慢地被燃烧。。。。

忘了介绍自己,我是女人,未婚,出生于1972年,终身职业社会生态写作者,2006年中发现患上了肺癌,治疗了半年,情况不乐观。2007年初,终于决定回到家人的怀抱,想用剩下的仅有时间找回二十五岁前的记忆。


文章刊登在赛华《新大专生》的作品分享栏。

7 comments:

human book said...

List of racial discriminations in Malaysia, practiced by government as well as government agencies. This list is an open secret. Best verified by government itself because it got the statistics.

This list is not in the order of importance, that means the first one on the list is not the most important and the last one on the list does not mean least important.

This list is a common knowledge to a lot of Malaysians, especially those non-malays (Chinese, Ibans, Kadazans, Orang Asli, Tamils, etc) who were being racially discriminated.

Figures in this list are estimates only and please take it as a guide only. Government of Malaysia has the most correct figures. Is government of Malaysia too ashamed to publish their racist acts by publishing racial statistics?

This list cover a period of about 50 years since independence (1957).

List of racial discriminations (Malaysia):

(1) Out of all the 5 major banks, only one bank is multi-racial, the rest are controlled by malays

(2) 99% of Petronas directors are malays

(3) 3% of Petronas employees are Chinese

(4) 99% of 2000 Petronas gasoline stations are owned by malays

(5) 100% all contractors working under Petronas projects must be bumis status

(6) 0% of non-malay staffs is legally required in malay companies. But there must be 30% malay staffs in Chinese companies

(7) 5% of all new intake for government army, nurses, polices, is non-malays

(8) 2% is the present Chinese staff in Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF), drop from 40% in 1960

(9) 2% is the percentage of non-malay government servants in Putrajaya. But malays make up 98%

(10) 7% is the percentage of Chinese government servants in the whole government (in 2004), drop from 30% in 1960

(11) 95% of government contracts are given to malays

(12) 100% all business licensees are controlled by malay government e.g. Approved Permits, Taxi Permits, etc

(13) 80% of the Chinese rice millers in Kedah had to be sold to malay controlled Bernas in 1980s. Otherwise, life is make difficult for Chinese rice millers

(14) 100 big companies set up, managed and owned by Chinese Malaysians were taken over by government, and later managed by malays since 1970s e.g. MISC, UMBC, UTC, etc

(15) At least 10 Chinese owned bus companies (throughout Malaysia, throughout 40 years) had to be sold to MARA or other malay transport companies due to rejection by malay authority to Chinese application for bus routes and rejection for their application for new buses

(16) 2 Chinese taxi drivers were barred from driving in Johor Larkin bus station. There are about 30 taxi drivers and 3 are Chinese in October 2004. Spoiling taxi club properties was the reason given

(17) 0 non-malays are allowed to get shop lots in the new Muar bus station (November 2004)

(18) 8000 billion ringgit is the total amount the government channeled to malay pockets through ASB, ASN, MARA, privatisation of government agencies, Tabung Haji etc, through NEP over 34 years period

(19) 48 Chinese primary schools closed down since 1968 - 2000

(20) 144 Indian primary schools closed down since 1968 - 2000

(21) 2637 malay primary schools built since 1968 - 2000

(22) 2.5% is government budget for Chinese primary schools. Indian schools got only 1%, malay schools got 96.5%

(23) While a Chinese parent with RM1000 salary (monthly) cannot get school-text-book-loan, a malay parent with RM2000 salary is eligible

(24) 10 all public universities vice chancellors are malays

(25) 5% - the government universities lecturers of non-malay origins had been reduced from about 70% in 1965 to only 5% in 2004

(26) Only 5% is given to non-malays for government scholarships over 40 years

(27) 0 Chinese or Indians were sent to Japan and Korea under "Look East Policy"

(28) 128 STPM Chinese top students could not get into the course that they aspired e.g. Medicine (in 2004)

(29) 10% place for non-bumi students for MARA science schools beginning from year 2003, but only 7% are filled. Before that it was 100% malays

(30) 50 cases whereby Chinese and Indian Malaysians, are beaten up in the National Service program in 2003

(31) 25% is Malaysian Chinese population in 2004, drop from 45% in 1957

(32) 7% is the present Malaysian Indians population (2004), a drop from 12% in 1957

(33) 2 million Chinese Malaysians had emigrated to overseas since 40 years ago

(34) 0.5 million Indian Malaysians had emigrated to overseas

(35) 3 million Indonesians had migrated into Malaysia and became Malaysian citizens with bumis status

(36) 600000 are the Chinese and Indian Malaysians with red IC and were rejected repeatedly when applying for citizenship for 40 years. Perhaps 60% of them had already passed away due to old age. This shows racism of how easily Indonesians got their citizenship compare with the Chinese and Indians

(37) 5% - 15% discount for a malay to buy a house, regardless whether the malay is poor or rich

(38) 2% is what Chinese new villages get compare with 98% of what malay villages got for rural development budget

(39) 50 road names (at least) had been changed from Chinese names to other names

(40) 1 Dewan Gan Boon Leong (in Malacca) was altered to other name (e.g. Dewan Serbaguna or sort) when it was being officially used for a few days. Government try to shun Chinese names. This racism happened in around year 2000 or sort

(41) 0 churches/temples were built for each housing estate. But every housing estate got at least one mosque/surau built

(42) 3000 mosques/surau were built in all housing estates throughout Malaysia since 1970. No churches, no temples are required to be built in housing estates

(43) 1 Catholic church in Shah Alam took 20 years to apply to be constructed. But told by malay authority that it must look like a factory and not look like a church. Still not yet approved in 2004

(44) 1 publishing of Bible in Iban language banned (in 2002)

(45) 0 of the government TV stations (RTM1, RTM2, TV3) are directors of non-malay origins

(46) 30 government produced TV dramas and films always showed that the bad guys had Chinese face, and the good guys had malay face. You can check it out since 1970s. Recent years, this tendency becomes less

(47) 10 times, at least, malays (especially Umno) had threatened to massacre the Chinese Malaysians using May 13 since 1969

(48) 20 constituencies won by DAP would not get funds from the government to develop. Or these Chinese majority constituencies would be the last to be developed

(49) 100 constituencies (parliaments and states) had been racistly re-delineated so Chinese voters were diluted that Chinese candidates, particularly DAP candidates lost in election since 1970s

(50) Only 3 out of 12 human rights items are ratified by Malaysia government since 1960

(51) 0 - elimination of all forms of racial discrimination (UN Human Rights) is not ratified by Malaysia government since 1960s

(52) 20 reported cases whereby malay ambulance attendances treated Chinese patients inhumanely, and malay government hospital staffs purposely delay attending to Chinese patients in 2003. Unreported cases may be 200

(53) 50 cases each year whereby Chinese, especially Chinese youths being beaten up by malay youths in public places. We may check at police reports provided the police took the report, otherwise there will be no record

(54) 20 cases every year whereby Chinese drivers who accidentally knocked down malays were seriously assaulted or killed by malays

(55) 12% is what ASB/ASN got per annum while banks fixed deposit is only about 3.5% per annum

There are hundreds more racial discriminations in Malaysia to add to this list of "colossal" racism. It is hope that the victims of racism will write in to expose racism.

Malaysia government should publish statistics showing how much malays had benefited from the "special rights" of malays and at the same time tell the statistics of how much other minority races are being discriminated.

Hence, the responsibility lies in the Malaysia government itself to publish unadulterated statistics of racial discrimination.

If the Malaysia government hides the statistics above, then there must be some evil doings, immoral doings, shameful doings and sinful doings, like the Nazi, going on onto the non-malays of Malaysia.

Civilized nation, unlike evil Nazi, must publish statistics to show its treatment on its minority races. This is what Malaysia must publish……….

We are asking for the publication of the statistics showing how "implementation of special rights of malays" had inflicted colossal racial discrimination onto non-malays.

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